i wish it could be 2012 again

i was at the peak of my borderlands 2 hype. angela came to my house for the first time. mom and i were going into the city every time she had a day off, because back then, she had days off. i had disney to look forward to. pryor and i marathoned the entire series of south park and collected kidrobots obsessively. barry introduced me to dredd. i was planning a novel.

and now i just feel like everything has gotten progressively worse since then. i try so hard to bounce back but i feel like i’m drowning and everything is pulling me under. i feel like my life is ending, and every time i think about something i love, i feel nostalgic, even if it’s a restaurant. as though i’ll never visit there again. everything seems like it’s coming to an end.

sure, there have been good things since 2012. the call group. gta5/sr4. doubt as a whole. naoqua bc im shipping trash.

but then there are people who have ditched me this year, even though ive stood by them for everything. i need to just accept the end of our friendship, but i can’t, because i still need them.

i’ve always been excited to go back to school in the fall. maybe a little bummed that summer’s ending, but never once did i feel like this. i’ve cried every day, and now, i’ve been up for less than an hour and already i’m crying without the ability to stop.

i feel hollow. i really feel like someone has ripped out my insides, because i’ve lost the motivation to do anything.

i want nothing more than to be happy, but i’m worried about the lengths i’ll go to to achieve that